So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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