Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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