any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
