i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
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