I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
