i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
