Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
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