Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
