Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
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He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
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i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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