Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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