He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
