I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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