I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
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I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
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body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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