I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
why do cheetos always look like penises
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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