I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
