Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
