Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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