maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
