omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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