my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
barbara walters just said penis...
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
