peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
