like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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