he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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