It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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