How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
