Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
