i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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