So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
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