Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
