Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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