he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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