Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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