if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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