Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Randomize
