I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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