The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
