youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
