i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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