i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
So vagazzling was a success
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
