If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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