Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
