Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
