as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
