My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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