Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
