he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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