I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
