just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Green mimosas i think yes
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
