I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
