i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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