dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
