direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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