Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
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