if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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