Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
