Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
