yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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