Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
You may now shotgun with the bride
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.