So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
