Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
