Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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