Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
