hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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