i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
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