Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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